Everyone has a different experience. Everyone wants the same thing.

Celebrate diversity and find common ground

• Work/life quality is a complicated and challenging issue for so many of us. Particularly as a working mother, I frequently need more support and flexibility. My biggest fear is that you will question my commitment to my career if I bring up my work/life challenges or ask for flexibility.
  
  
• I want to feel more a part of the informal network. Sometimes I recognize that you many not think to invite me because you think I wouldn't be interested, say if it's golf or a sporting event. Maybe I would, and maybe I wouldn’t. However, just know that I really would like to be invited. Even better, sometimes I'd like to see more variety in the venues.
  
  
• Sometimes I feel you're being overly cautious when you give me feedback. Perhaps you're worried about how I will "take it." Please know that I truly want to hear candid feedback about my performance.
  
  
• I need mentoring from both men and women. Don't assume I think your advice isn't valuable just because you haven't had my experience. In fact, I may need your insight more as I relate to my male colleagues and clients.
  
  
• We notice how you talk about other women in your life—professionally and personally. When you tell positive stories about your wife, daughters, mother, sisters, or other women you've mentored professionally (especially when you show that you understand or have come to understand their perspective on some issue), you let us know that you're someone we can and should trust.
  
  
• I sometimes feel that I work two full-time jobs and I want to be very clear that I am 100% committed to both. I do worry on a daily basis that I’m not giving enough to each but I work hard to add value and remain relevant in both. I sometimes feel others judge me for not choosing between the two.
  
  
• There are various times when I re-evaluate my career based on the evolving needs of my family and work life. Understand that customizing my career (or trying to balance my work life schedule) is not a demonstration of my level of commitment, but rather a solution to ensure I am meeting the needs of both my clients and my family.

• The most important thing to know is we (African-Americans/Blacks) are not a homogeneous group, and that there are numerous cultural variations related to geographic location, religious beliefs, educational background and socioeconomic status among other factors.
  
  
• Many people wonder what the correct term is—"Black" or "African-American."  There is no right answer.  Some of us prefer the term "Black" and some of us prefer the term "African-American."  Just be aware that the term African-American does not accurately describe everyone who is Black.  For example, individuals from the Caribbean (West Indians) or Africa probably wouldn't refer to themselves as "African-Americans." Feel free to ask me which term I prefer. 
  
  
• Even if you think you mean it, don't say, "I don't see color," or "I'm color-blind."  Most of us think that this is pretty difficult to do…and, it sounds defensive.  To me it actually means you're refusing to accept the realities of my daily experience.  It would be more believable and powerful to say, "I try not to make judgements about people based on their skin color or ethnicity."
  
  
• Please don't tell me that you have or had a best friend, roommate, neighbor or classmate who is Black, as if you deserve special credit or as if these relationships qualify you as an expert on my life.  I understand that you may just be trying to show your support, yet I would prefer that you ask me about my own experience and in some other way try to demonstrate your commitment to diversity. 
  
  
• Involve me in all recruiting efforts, not just those targeted toward people who look like me. Assign me to recruit that star non-minority recruit as well.
  
  
• Don't try to demonstrate your commitment to diversity or knowledge of "Black culture" by adopting slang (i.e., "talking Black") if that is not the way you typically speak. 
  
  
• Understand that I might take offense to the comment, "You're so articulate."  Even if it's well-meaning, it implies that you had a low expectation regarding my command of the English language. I would prefer you just say something like: "You made a great presentation today," or "Your comments were insightful."  Ask yourself how often you say this to Caucasians in a similar situation.  Believe it or not, this is a big hot topic among many of us.
  
  
• Understand that being different/always being in the minority at work does impact my existence in ways you may never understand unless you talk to me about it.  Also understand that while everyone can be considered "different" in some way, my experience around my difference of being a person of color carries with it deep, lasting historical and societal issues.  My skin color automatically identifies me as different.  Many other differences are not evident because they exist under the surface.
  
  
• If I don't show a lot of interest in socializing with you or in developing a close personal relationship, it may be a defense mechanism from having felt excluded in the past.  It may take me longer than usual to build trust, but hang in there.  Don't place limitations on how close our relationship can develop.
  
  
• Be sensitive before you demean or belittle a neighbourhood or community by labelling it "dangerous" or "undesirable" in some way. Some of your minority colleagues may live in those neighborhoods, or may have been raised in a similar neighborhood, and they may view them in a much different (and more positive) light than you.
  
  

• Don't pretend we don't exist here.  Just because sexual orientation is not a visible trait, that does not mean gay professionals don't exist at the Firm.  By most estimates, the percentage of the population that is gay is 6%.
  
  
• Understand that I am probably looking for signs that you will be accepting of who I am.  These important "cultural cues" are often subtle—it could be a visible book on a shelf, telling a positive anecdote that would indicate support, or using inclusive language (i.e., when you invite the team to an event, say "partners/spouses/significant others" are invited).
  
  
• If someone tells a homophobic joke in your presence, don't ignore it without saying something.  It could be as simple as someone saying, "That's so gay."  By ignoring this or, worse, by laughing, I might believe you endorse those sentiments.  Hurtful speech can be cleverly disguised, and often innocently proffered, but it usually enforces a particularly negative aspect of a stereotype. 
  
  
• If I trust you enough to let you know I'm gay, please don't then avoid the topic as if I never told you….no matter how awkward you may feel.  Not knowing what to say shouldn't be an excuse.  I'd rather you fumble and really show your inclusiveness. 
  
  
• Please try to put aside your stereotypes about being gay.  We are all unique, with interests, hobbies, schooling, family and background that might be very similar or different from yours.  Explore our similarities as you would with anyone.  I'm sure we'll find something we have in common. 
  
  
• Just because I tell you that I'm gay, it may not completely define me. I am still a professional.  I may be a parent or a spouse.  Or there may be a multitude of other characteristics I would use to define myself.
  
  
• We're allowed to make fun of ourselves, and if we do, it shouldn't be perceived as an invitation for you to do the same.
  
  
• If you think you've crossed the line or said something that might be perceived as offensive, immediately speak up and ask me.  It will usually be okay.
  
  
• Understand that having to tell people that I'm gay is not easy.  It takes significant energy.  Also, if I choose to tell you that I'm gay, it's not because I want to "rub it in your face."  Although "coming out" is a very personal decision, and it's different for everyone, I'm more likely sharing this fact with you because I think it will help in building our professional relationship.  And remember, it actually takes even more energy to hide it. 
  
  
• I will probably assume when I'm surrounded by other thinking, intelligent people that they haven't bought into the following myths: 1) that we choose to be gay; 2) that we want to recruit others; and 3) that we prey on the innocent.  So please, if you hear others who have bought into these damaging notions, be prepared to speak up.
  
  

• We comprise the largest minority group in most organizations as well as the largest percentage of minority new hires.
  
  
• "Asian" is a broad term that encompasses people from southern India to Indonesia to northern Mongolia, and represents more than 50 ethnic groups, speaking more than 800 languages or dialects. Most of us feel a connection to our specific country of origin, however, and think of ourselves first as Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Filipino, and so on.  South Asian countries, such as India, Pakistan and Nepal, are also included in the "Asian-American" umbrella.  Asian-American is a U.S. term coined to group many of us together; it's not our term, despite the fact that, in some cases, we share some common issues, cultural traits or background with other members of the broader group.  Because of all these national differences, the diversity of our group is huge. Ask me about my culture and how I feel about these labels and linkages.
  
  
• Understand that the person you are talking with may look "Asian," but our perspectives, experiences and challenges can vary widely depending upon how long our family has been in the United States, how long we have been in the United States, the type of community we were raised within in the United States (Chinatown versus Cape Cod) and many other factors, including even being adopted from abroad.
  
  
• Sometimes, people ask me, "Where are you really from?" after I've told them I'm from somewhere within the United States.  In the Asian community, we call this the "double from" because it makes me feel as though they're saying there is some way in which I don't belong.  If your objective is to try to connect with me, you might say, "I find it helpful in getting to know someone better if I understand more about their family and cultural background….where is yours from?"  Even better, share with me where your family is from.
  
  
• If I happen to be reserved, don't assume that I am not/cannot be a leader or that I have nothing to add.  But please give me candid feedback if you do feel that I should speak out more or develop a more assertive style. Don't assume that because I'm Asian, I can't develop these skills.  Additionally, please talk to me candidly and directly before the point in my career where my perceived lack of leadership skills may impact me negatively.  Make sure I understand the specific behaviors that contribute to this perception and how the perception might impact my career.
  
  
• Recognize that, in some of the specific cultures which make up this broad Asian-American categorization, respect for elders and authority is considered a very important cultural value.  If you feel that I am not challenging you or speaking up sufficiently, please let me know.
  
  
• Please don't continue to mispronounce my name without acknowledging it.  I don't mind if you continue to work on the correct pronunciation, and make it clear you are making an effort.  I'd rather you ask me to help you until you get it right—that's a lot better than giving me a new name (i.e., the version that is easier for you to pronounce).
  
  
• Don't assume that traditional American or religious holidays are important to me.  Ask me if there are any specific holidays related to my particular culture/religion that are as important to me as those holidays might be to you.
  
  
• If English is not my first language, give me candid feedback, coach me and give me the opportunity to improve. I may assume I'm doing okay if technically I'm a star, and you never bring up what you consider to be language deficiencies.  However, please be fair and make an effort to try to understand my accent. 
  
  
• Many Asians (in particular those from India) are vegetarians and appreciate when that is taken into consideration when selecting restaurants or food delivery for team or client meals.  Also, for a variety of cultural and religious reasons, alcohol consumption tends to be lower.  As a result, we may be sensitive to how many social events revolve around alcohol.
  
  

• We are not a monolithic group.  We embody all the other dimensions of diversity as well—race, orientation, ethnicity, parental status, age.  We will have a spectrum of styles from very feminine to masculine, and we don't want to be stereotyped.
  
  
• We occasionally experience feelings of being overlooked in meetings.  If I make a suggestion, it can feel like it's not heard until a man says what sounds to me like the exact same thing.  To demonstrate your support, stand up for me if you see something like that occurring.
  
  
• Work/life quality is a complicated and challenging issue for so many of us.  As a single woman, I may find it challenging that so much attention is placed on mothers and not on my balance. As a married woman, I might be worried how I will juggle my career if I choose to have children.  As a working mother, I frequently need more support and flexibility.  My biggest fear is that you will question my commitment to my career if I bring up my work/life challenges or ask for flexibility.
  
  
• I want to feel more a part of the informal network.  Sometimes I recognize that you may not think to invite me because you think I wouldn't be interested, say if it's golf or a sporting event.  Maybe I would, and maybe I wouldn’t.  However, just know that I really would like to be invited.  Even better, sometimes I'd like to see more variety in the venues you choose for networking.  That way I might be more interested in attending.
  
  
• We want to be leaders and seek advancement opportunities as much as our male colleagues, even if we don't always "knock on the door" to tell our bosses as directly as we understand our male colleagues do. 
  
  
• "Passionate" male leaders are often admired and rewarded—some of them are the legends they write books about.  We want to be valued—and definitely not judged—when we display emotions too. 
  
  
• Sometimes I feel you're being overly cautious when you give me feedback.  Perhaps you're worried about how I will "take it."  Please know that I truly want to hear candid feedback about my performance. 
  
  
• I need mentoring from both men and women.  Don't assume I think your advice isn't valuable just because you haven't had my experience.  In fact, I may benefit from your insight more as I relate to my male colleagues and clients.
  
  
• I'm often reluctant to "brag" about my accomplishments in the same way that I see men do.  Please don't misinterpret this as a lack of competence, confidence or ambition.  If you ask me directly what I am proud of or what I'm working on, I will be happy to tell you. If it's in private, I'll probably share even more details. Just realize I am less likely than my male counterparts to "toot my own horn."
  
  
• We notice how you talk about other women in your life—professionally and personally.   When you tell positive stories about your wife, daughters, mother, sisters, or other women you've mentored professionally (especially when you show that you understand or have come to understand their perspective on some issue), you let us know that you're someone we can and should trust.  
  
  

• Understand that there are approximately 35 million Americans living in the United States who are of Latin American or other Spanish descent, which includes many cultures and ethnicities from countries in the Caribbean, South America and Central America.  While many of these cultures share common similar traits and values, each is distinct. 
  
  
• As Latinos/Hispanics, we are typically proud of our heritage, and see ourselves primarily as being Mexican, Cuban, Argentinian, Dominican, Puerto Rican, Colombian, Equadorian, etc.  Don't make assumptions about where I'm from.  Please ask me, and I will tell you.
  
  
• If you don't know a lot about Latino culture generally, or about people from my particular heritage, ask me about my specific experiences and cultural background rather than make assumptions about me based on limited knowledge.
  
  
• Latino and Hispanic refer to ethnicity, not race.  Our skin can be black, white or many shades of brown in between.
  
  
• Understand that the respective educational institution I may have attended in my Latin American country of origin is just as credible as many of those in the US.
  
  
• Do not assume that my English is limited or that I speak Spanish at all simply because I have a Spanish sounding surname. 
  
  
• Many Latino cultures value exuberance and expression (i.e., emotion), which can be an asset in developing client relationships.  At the same time, there are many of us who do not fall under that stereotype.
  
  
• Emphasis on family is very strong in most Latin cultures. Family commitments and heavy involvement are often extended and deep.  I may wish to take my vacation in larger chunks so I can go back to my country of origin and visit my family, or make other choices around my work/life commitments that may be different from other non-Latinos.  Please talk with me to understand these choices and work with me to support them.  I'm just as dedicated to my work as anyone else.
  
  
• The traditional role of women in many Latin cultures is to run the home and care for family; no room for career.  This can create added pressures on Latinas who desire to attend college and have a successful career.  In our demanding environment, we may often feel a heightened conflict between work and the expectations of family.
  
  
•  If I have an accent, be fair and try to understand it.  But, if it really interferes with my ability to communicate effectively with clients and colleagues, please give me candid feedback, coach me on how I can be more effective and give me a chance to improve.

• We're not a monolithic group.  There's a lot of diversity that exists in the "white male" category.  Sometimes we feel our background—whether ethnic, socioeconomic, schooling, etc. —gets lost in the larger diversity issues.  And that background is part of what defines us.
  
  
• Because we feel we are included among the various dimensions of diversity, don't underestimate our interest to move from the sidelines of diversity and inclusion efforts into the midst of these efforts. 
  
  
• As soon as the topic of diversity comes up, we often feel like we're automatically labeled "the bad guys."
  
  
• While we recognize that history has not always been fair to certain groups, please hold us accountable for our individual actions—today—the same way that you would want to be held accountable. 
  
  
• We may not know exactly how it feels to be gay, a woman, a mother, disabled or an ethnic minority, but don't assume that we have never tried to imagine or that we're not interested in learning about how it feels.
  
  
• Don't assume we're not or wouldn't be a champion for you.  If the trust isn't there, tell us explicitly what it is we should do that would make you believe.
  
  
• Don't discount us as a mentor because our experience has not been exactly the same as yours.  You'd be surprised at how much we actually have in common.  Some of our learnings and experiences transcend race, gender or sexual orientation.
  
  
• While we do belong to the largest majority group in most places we go, don't assume we have never felt like "a minority."  You might ask us about a time when we were the only white guy in a large group and how that made us feel.  It might surprise you.
  
  
• If I make a mistake and say something culturally insensitive or even offensive, give me the benefit of the doubt that it was unintentional and help educate me rather than hold it against me.
  
  
• Although we acknowledge that there are unique challenges we have not had to overcome, please recognize that we have also worked hard, struggled daily and sacrificed much to achieve the success we have.